a deep exhale

when i imagined creating this post i thought i would have many words to say but as it turns out i don't. sometimes there are no words only emotions and right now i'm bursting with them. 66 weeks in the making and now it's done. forever family. 

world please allow me to introduce you to the three most amazing children on the planet! they're world changers! Riah Jo McLennan, she has my mothers and mine middle name and she could have come from my womb, we're cut from the same cloth. she is my atonement child. my redemption. Braxton Pike McLennan, he is our first and was the gateway for this beautiful bunch. my secret prayers were for a ginger baby to give my mom and dad and the Lord delivered above and beyond with him. my heart swells with such love. Brooks Avett McLennan, dear goodness this baby is all that is lovely and completely has me wrapped around his finger. i'm beginning to understand why the "babies" of the family get away with everything! be prepared to gush over their adorableness, Lord knows i do. 

let me breath

i've been holding my breath for the past 14 months...

i miss this, i haven't for nearly two years but now i do. i'm feeling overwhelmed to write again, to share our life, our mistakes and lessons learned. i started blogging a year after we moved to texas and enjoyed it very much for a few years. after we moved away i kept trying at it but it didn't always feel genuine, kinda a bit forced at times. maybe i didn't have much to say, maybe my perspective was off, way off. like many insecure bloggers, i soon focused on how many "followers" i could obtain to validate me instead of being secure in who i was and what i could bring to the internet and subsequently humankind and it quickly drove me mad. so mad that i slowly drifted away from blogging all together without so much as a "hey i'm not going to write anymore". i never intended to stop. life just sorta got crazy and i couldn't keep up. truthfully i've felt discouraged and  n o t  myself for the better part of the last 14 months. its been hard. crazy hard. after years of prayer and agony i finally became a mother; and what i imagined would be a season of celebration in reality became a time of agony, uncertainty and deep insecurity. are they staying are they leaving? will we get to keep the baby? they're mine, no they're not, yes they are and months of waiting. ...i've had to hide and hide my children because in reality they're not mine. not yet. some  most days are too much and have left me discouraged and unmotivated for much else than loving and caring for them.

february photo dump

what we did in february. 

our first family valentines day was celebrated with chocolate chip pancakes. auntie andy & auntie vic sent mama and birdie tulips, our favorite. birdie squealed with delight as soon as we opened the package. to think, someones treasured her enough to send her fresh flowers just because. boy this child is a sucker for the holiday. the morning of i woke her and the first sentences from her mouth were all about valentines day and the parties and cards, on and on she squeaked with excitement. i remember as a child my ma would set out special v-day treats for us girls on the kitchen table the night before. in the morning seeing the table set with gifts and chocolates always made me feel an extra boost of love and appreciation. naturally i feel inclined to recreate the happy experience and tradition with our littles. twas a hit. 

thoughts after january court

*this is, i'm sure, out of context to the current theme of our days. we've turned a corner and details of our case are very positive and in our favor. even still i didn't want this essay, written one day after a january court hearing, to get lost. i'd like it to be here to serve as a reminder of how dark some days got during this journey. 

june 25th i became a mother then again on july 17th and once more on december 3rd in the year 2013. within six months we went from no kids to busting at the seams. this ride of motherhood has been all the good i imagined and all the bad i didn't. our children came to us through the state, foster care, and with them has come all the heartache traditionally attached to the system. although our littles have been shielded from some of the horrific specifics so many children in care have come to know as their own, they are not without their scars and sadness. 

we've spent the better part of seven months in family seclusion {w/ the exception instagram} to gel as a unit and build stability for ourselves and our children. its true, stability and foster care are antonyms. we find our groove as a family; building assurance and familiarity for all of us only to be disturbed by the chaos that is "the system" every month. court hearings and meetings with case workers. all are doing the best they can at their jobs and fighting for whats best for these babies. yet it doesn't change the truth that life stops when these events take place and all in our home wrestle through the pain and disturbance long after the meetings have ended. the reality of the nastiness someone else made for these children and subsequently us, is undeniable during these moments. guarding our hearts and the hearts of our loves is such a mighty task. theory told me it would be, but standing in the mess that is somebody elses ugly and committing to bring about beauty is tiering and exhausts my soul. my faith and trust in the God that led us here have been challenged far too many times to count.

its time

in short our lives have changed and i craved a new place to share it. a name change to the blog, for me, was the motivation to get me to come back to these pages and mark down our lives. i outgrew the old blog. like the tight colored jeans of yesterday, it just didn't look or feel right any longer. to me i felt the old blog fenced me in and my free spirit nature bucks up against any fencing. i needed a name, because to me the name is everything about getting me to visit. i had to be motivated to write and share. 

i tossed and turned over a name for months, nothing clicked. then a few weeks ago, in a moment of motherhood chaos, fussing children surrounded needing my attention, it hit me. no joke, as i poured a bowl of honey nut cheerios and almond milk, as i prayed for a name, inspiration struck and it dawned on me. of course because i'm in it! that's it! i'm finally entering into my "land flowing with milk and honey".  we are in the beginnings of living the life we've prayed for and been promised so many years ago. our children have come and we are entering into our promised land and the future is good and it is bright and there are blessings overflowing in this new land. because God has promised and He has and is delivering. 

i make no commitments here other than to write when inspiration hits and to be honest about us and not allow opinion to taint my intent.

photo credit: leah hope photography 

backtracking

 

becky, remember that one time you started a blog to document your life? yeah, get on that why don't-cha.

backtracking to may, the best month of the year {except for december because it holds christmas} best because it's always been best. may holds spring time, last days of school, dance recitals, warm evenings, bbq chicken and strawberry pies. also may holds my birthday and birthdays bring presents and presents make me feel all warm inside and loved and stuff. 

so wayyyy back on may 1st i was face timing with our honorary nieces in big tex {texas} when all of a sudden the little stinkers yelled out "auntie becky you're coming to texas!!" right on cue ben handed me an envelope that wished me a"happy b-day month" that gave me permission to hang around in my undies if i felt like it. also it had two tickets to fly far far away from here. 

i. was. pumped. i've missed my beloved texas and the people who are still in it. 

my own magic nursery baby

i don't know if its a real thing for adoptive mothers to get but i feel like i'm experiencing it anyway. pregnancy brain. biological mothers for sure go through the inevitable dreaded forgetfulness as they near their due date. adoptive mothers, do we?

foster licensing classes

the time has come to bid farewell to our licensing classes. i've had every intention to write about all the neat things we've learned and the people we've met along the way these past five weeks. it just didn't happen. 

i underestimated my time plain and simple.

the state of arizona requires all foster parents {resource parents} to go through 30 hours of training before becoming licensed to foster / adopt. this usually happens over the course of 10 weeks. we crammed it into 5. holy, we've learned so much! i'm convinced every parent should be offered these classes as part of pre parenting. so much of what we learned is applicable to "normal" kiddos. 

life recently

the past two weeks there's been a major buzz around our home. our life went from being calm and quiet to a mad rush all of a sudden in preparation for baby. in a weeks time, in addition to our full work commitments, we had two 3 hour classes, multiple shopping trips, and home prep for our home inspection last monday morning.

good talk bad taco

parking lot Del -Taco dinner before class and thirty spare minutes means you get pictures of stuffing our faces.

 i said it before we ate it and i'll say it after partially consuming and irritably digesting it. i hate Del-Taco! alright hate might be a bit strong, i know we were taught to never say it, but i really don't like it. except for the nacho cheese sauce. the melted fake cheese sauce was okay. but the "chicken" didn't look or taste like the kind of chicken i'm comfortable eating. this is why eating meat is usually a problem for me.

april 11

my oh my! april 11th came and it came with a bang! as you know, or if you don't you soon will, the 11th was our first of ten classes to become licensed foster parents and certified to adopt. ben and i waited for many, many months with great anticipation for this day. i imagined it, as most women do, to be an exciting day from the moment i awoke until i lay my head on the pillow that evening. ...it turned out very different than i imagined.

❯❯❯ a valentines day most memorable

traditionally most valentines days for us are celebrated mildly. usually a handmade card and an inexpensive gift. this year was no different, with me gifting ben a chambray shirt on clearance from target and some candy heart lollipops. it was the typical love day celebration with the exception of one event. 

so, not then?

so it continues. disappointment. the kind that comes with infertility.

we expected to hear back from the agency about our ability to work with them this monday. as it turns out our intake worker met with the committee early. on a cozy rainy saturday afternoon sitting in the window of a Starbucks we read an email. the kind we weren't expecting. it was the kind of blah, blah, blah stating that while we are a fantastic couple, at this time the age range we requested is far too narrow for the agency. there are too many couples currently working with the agency waiting for babies within our age range.

yuck. a whole lotta yuck.

to say it was a blow to our spirits would be fair. we were convinced that we would be working with this agency. i mean how could they not want to pick us? don't they know how great we are?

as ben read the email aloud my heart sank. i could literally feel a jolt in my core and for a few brief moments i embraced the deep crushing disappointment that begged to be held. in my immediate hurt i sharply threw things out like, "where is God in all this?", "was i fasting wrong" ,"are we even supposed to have kids", "why do we keep facing such disappointment", i felt sorry for myself, incredibly sorry. then i'd had it. enough! i'm sick and tired of the emotional rollercoster infertility has had me on and this time i was choosing to get off.

first intake meeting

***written Tuesday 1/22/13



january 4th we had what is called our "first intake meeting". i was insanely nervous the morning before. mostly because i had no clue what to expect. all i knew was that they were going to be asking us a lot of personal questions. not that this whole infertilty adventure hasn't been stressful enough i now felt the pressure to make a great first impression to a person that could potentially have a big say in whether or not i get a baby. a bit dramatic, i know, but that's how i felt. in all my nervousness i mixed up the time we were supposed to be meet by a half hour. we were late. that only added to my nerves. freaking out, i was completely convinced that points would be deducted for my irresponsible mishap. do they keep points? ...i don't think so but in that moment i was convinced they did and that i just screwed us over.

new year, new news

after a while i found myself in a place where i sorta let go of the idea of children. i had grown accustomed to my life the way that it was. the constant monthly disappointments were too painful to carry on hoping. i carried on this way for some time until march 20, 2012.  during my morning quiet time i found myself reading Hebrews 11. the faith chapter. "now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  ..."and without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." as i read i could feel my heart warm to the very thing he was calling me to have faith for. so yet again i placed my trust in the Lord that he would do what he said he'd do.

that afternoon i attended a women's bible study. there i had another prophetic encounter. a woman who did not know me or anything about me looked me straight in the eye and told me "God has been speaking to you, he has promised you something and you are doubting it. you are wondering if it was in fact him or if you made it up on our own. it was Him, He promised you in fact it's already on its way." instantly my spirit confirmed that this woman, was in fact, in that moment, speaking for God directly to me. i left that meeting on cloud nine! once again God saught me out and encouraged me that my children where on their way.

what came next

although our hearts longed to be parents our spirits knew everything was under control, there was no need to rush anything. babies would come in the proper time, we were sure of it. peace was a familiar friend for a good year and a half after that. then it changed. i began to grow restless. there is only so long a woman can wait patiently before she begins to doubt and question all over again.

may 2010 we had a similar experience in another church service. again our hearts were rest assured that God had everything under control. while i understood in my heart my mind and emotions would soon get the better of me. more time past, more trying, more disappointment, more heart aches.

january 2011 we became acquainted with ovulation sticks, which are a small fortune in my opinion at $30, a box! ugh, those things were a thorn in my side! they detect the hormone that is released right before your body tells your ovaries it's time to release an egg to be fertilized. once your stick detects the hormone you have about a 12-36 hour window to get busy. months went by with perfect detection from the sticks but still no pregnancy. my cycle is very regular and i have had no troubles in the past. what was going on?! i needed some answers, fast!

infertility, our beginning & the 1st promise

before we begin you must know that everything i write concerning our infertility is fact. every experience, encounter & emotion really happened. there is no fiction here. it's important that i preface with this because this story has many amazing faith filled supernatural moments, that if they had not happened to me personally i might not believe them myself. truthfully i contemplated not sharing many of these moments for fear of ridicule but my heart tells me that if i am going to share this story then it is most important that i share all of it. however, i'll spare you the real personal stuff because while i am an open book i do have some sense of shame.